From clash to pash in three simple steps

From clash to pash in three simple steps 

Fighting is easy; making up not so easy.

Sometimes it's much simpler to sweep rage under the rug and leave it. But the post-clash repair process is probably the most important part of the fight because it forces you to work together to understand each other. That may in turn solidify your relationship, says Dr Daniel Wile, author of After the Fight.
Try this three-step plan for settling your next spat and you'll wind up holding hands - not grudges.

1 . Establish a "ready" signal. If you force a discussion while either of you is still sorting out your feelings, you won't accomplish much, says Dr Wile. You're still in fight mode and talking now is like eating pineapple when you have a sore throat - it seems healthy, but it could sting. Let enough time pass so that you're thinking beyond the nasty exchange.
The green light can be as simple as plunking a fake flower in an empty vase or as straightforward as a face-to-face "Let's talk". When each of you has sent the signal - or said the words - the forum is officially open.

2 . Make bodily contact. According to a study in the iournal Psychosomatic Medicine, physical contact raises blood levels of the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress and makes you feel connected. So - even if it's the last thing you want to do - initiate a hug.
Swallowing your pride and making that first move may be hard, but even sitting on the same side of the table or nestling against each other on the couch nudges you out of the fight zone and closer to fix-it mode.

3 . Consider his point of view. Avoid repeating rants from the fight. That'll just land you back in another bickerfest faster than you can say "ex-girlfriend". "The recovery conversation works only if you approach it from a different angle," says Dr Wile.
You don't have to pretend you're OK with what he did, but considering his viewpoint will soften his defence. Remember high-school physics? For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction: if you concede just a bit, there's a good chance he'll do the same.

The three-minute solutionGet over it in record time. Once you're ready to sort things out, edit your potentially epic discussion into a short-story-length chat. How? Enlist a third-party moderator - your kitchen timer. Set it so you each get three minutes to talk about how you experienced the incident. When the bell rings, reset it so you each have another three minutes to ask questions. An abbreviated talk helps you get to the point so you can explain your side and request a behaviour change. And the whole thing will be easier to stomach because you'll know you're just minutes away from normalcy. We hope.