Love, what is It?
isn't love what we all desire? How could we live without loving and being loved?
Among the different expressions of love are friendship, dedication to a
cause or to a person, the love of parents for their children, the
exclusive love between a man and a woman united in marriage and the love
with which we yearn for the Absolute.
In order to find the truth about love between a man and a woman, the
first question is: what is it in a person, that causes me to be
attracted towards him or her?
Is it what he / she is able to give me (money, social status)?
Is it the beauty that I see in him or her or the pleasure that I experience or that we are able to share together?
Is it the feelings I have because of his / her attention?
A
relationship thus founded may feel good, but it will prove to be
imperfect: the other person is reduced to a means for achieving my own
good. Paradoxically, it is towards myself that I am turning ...
If we love truly, we love the other for themselves. An authentic love is above all to desire the happiness of the other. I do not love him / her only because of what they can give me but I love him / her primarily because of who he / she is. In
such a relationship, there is even more reason for two people to feel
strongly for one another, to experience pleasure in each other's company
or to be of mutual service to one another. A profound relationship is rooted in the person himself / herself over and above their apparent qualities or faults.
To love in this way implies a free choice on my part: to decide to love the other, to commit myself to him or her. We are not able to love truly without giving some of our freedom to the other. And
we expect that this choice will be reciprocated because this is the
condition of a relationship.So to look for the happiness of the one I
love is to contribute to my own happiness. Certainly, this isn't always easy. We are all susceptible to mood swings, to the monotony of daily living, to difficulties that may arise and to our own egoism. Love isfragile .... Will I love this person in five or in twenty years? Will I be capable of bearing with this or that fault? Is this love for life? Will it last through difficulties, through sickness?
In reality, if our relationship is founded on a free and reciprocated choice, it can only grow. Because love doesn't happen only once. 'Love at first sight', exciting as it is, is in fact a very strong
emotion that does not necessarily demonstrate a profound love.
Such love is a personal relationship. It is built and it deepens with time and with a more and more solid trust between each other. By
talking and sharing, love is renewed each day by means of gestures and
attitudes that show to the other the priviledged place he or she has in
my life. And the joys, the events and also the difficulties we live together reinforce our intimacy. This can grow to the extent that we work at our committment and through the difficulties, keep turning towards the other.
Love
is therefore not just a simple union of two people but a mutual gift of
two free beings of all that they are: body, heart and spirit. The logic of love is to aspire towards a total and definitive gift. Only a decision that is reciprocal and for life allows a human love to
reach a certain perfection and to be capable of satisfying our hearts.
For
the Christian, the source and the model of love is God: Beloved, let us
love one another; for love is of God, and he who loves is born of God
and knows God. (1 John 4:7
How can we be sure that we really love someone?
W e know from experience that it is difficult to be sure. We do not always see clearly. It is not easy, in every case, to be sure of myself or my feelings and to have to depend on tangible proofs or signs.
Love is not like an idea with a definition or like a physical phenomen on that can be measured: Love is a matter of choice. And so, to use a quotation from Saint Bonaventure: Love is its own measure and standard.
There are, however, certain practical points to consider:
Is it my friend that I love or is it the feeling of love that I love? We are so often overwhelmed by the extraordinary feeling that accompanies love that we may forget about the other person.
A good question to ask would be Do I want to love him or her? Since true love is not so much a feeling as it is a decision, a choice, we have to will to love.
Finally, love needs the response of the other to actually exist. We cannot speak of love if it is not reciprocated.If you are not sure of the others feelings, don't remain in doubt. Find a good moment to speak together and find out the feelings and attitudes of the other.
Love is not like an idea with a definition or like a physical phenomen on that can be measured: Love is a matter of choice. And so, to use a quotation from Saint Bonaventure: Love is its own measure and standard.
There are, however, certain practical points to consider:
Is it my friend that I love or is it the feeling of love that I love? We are so often overwhelmed by the extraordinary feeling that accompanies love that we may forget about the other person.
A good question to ask would be Do I want to love him or her? Since true love is not so much a feeling as it is a decision, a choice, we have to will to love.
Finally, love needs the response of the other to actually exist. We cannot speak of love if it is not reciprocated.If you are not sure of the others feelings, don't remain in doubt. Find a good moment to speak together and find out the feelings and attitudes of the other.
What about fights ... and conflicts?
W hat would you say about a couple who don `t talk with each other? Wouldn't you wonder which of the two harmed the other?
What is extraordinary about the difference between a man and a woman is that, with their different manner of approaching things, it brings about a mutual enrichment if they take the time to listen to each other and try to understand each other. Talking about their differing points of view, even having lively discussions, helps love to grow through a better understanding.
Of course, sometimes we cling to our ideas and want to impose them on the other; we aren't at all ready to listen to the other. Then comes a clash ... it's not too serious as long as condemning or ironic comments are not added to the fight. All these apparently harmless remarks hurt the other because they are not respectful of the person. We react according to our different personalities: by exploding in anger, by closing up in silence and bitterness or by fighting back. Love goes to war ... fear, distrust and hate attempt to take its place. Harboring bitterness or a grudge in our heart and brooding over our disagreement is the poison of love.
What is the remedy? Decide to resist my bad feelings and to stop being carried away by my imagination. This decision to love again, to open up my heart again, to welcome and accept the person as they are, to look at them with new eyes: this is forgiveness. It is not writing off the past as if it never happened, but rather, despite the past, starting again with new hope and new strength. "I ask you to forgive me for all the times I didn't ask you since we got married." "It was as if we became newly weds once again," the wife tells us. "We found life again".
There are conflicts in life. Through forgiveness we can avoid allowing our differences to kill love and rather let them contribute to its growth
What is extraordinary about the difference between a man and a woman is that, with their different manner of approaching things, it brings about a mutual enrichment if they take the time to listen to each other and try to understand each other. Talking about their differing points of view, even having lively discussions, helps love to grow through a better understanding.
Of course, sometimes we cling to our ideas and want to impose them on the other; we aren't at all ready to listen to the other. Then comes a clash ... it's not too serious as long as condemning or ironic comments are not added to the fight. All these apparently harmless remarks hurt the other because they are not respectful of the person. We react according to our different personalities: by exploding in anger, by closing up in silence and bitterness or by fighting back. Love goes to war ... fear, distrust and hate attempt to take its place. Harboring bitterness or a grudge in our heart and brooding over our disagreement is the poison of love.
What is the remedy? Decide to resist my bad feelings and to stop being carried away by my imagination. This decision to love again, to open up my heart again, to welcome and accept the person as they are, to look at them with new eyes: this is forgiveness. It is not writing off the past as if it never happened, but rather, despite the past, starting again with new hope and new strength. "I ask you to forgive me for all the times I didn't ask you since we got married." "It was as if we became newly weds once again," the wife tells us. "We found life again".
There are conflicts in life. Through forgiveness we can avoid allowing our differences to kill love and rather let them contribute to its growth
Can we still love each other when we are ninety?
Marcel: We are 89 and 90 years old respectively and we were married in 1925. And we have always loved each other! How is this possible? I will tell you, it is simpler than we think: everything depends on our conception of love. To love is to be happy in making the other happy. This is almost selfish! At that moment, our own desires that might interfere with the happiness of the other become secondary. And if you do everything for the happiness of the other, there is no reason why this relationship shouldn't last.
Georgette: Certainly, this demands a certain forgetting of self that is not always easy. Certain questions may be also sources of conflict. For our part, we know in our marriage that we agree on essential matters: religion, our concept of family, education of children, friends, etc. This being the case, a great number of difficulties are automatically avoided. There remain the little difficulties of daily life that we can always work out if we want to.
In this area, frankness is essential: we must be able to say everything, to declare without delay anything that we might not have in common, to want to look together for the answer that would satisfy both of us. Silence is never a solution.
Marcel: But you may ask me, how, practically, can I make the other happy? This also is very simple. You have to take care of them. Take every occasion to pay attention to the other. And to respect them profoundly, because politeness is a fundamental rule. And if you add a good dose of humour, you have an infallible recipe!
We have known hardships, like everyone else. Not only in our relationship but in the course of life: a separation for professional reasons, during which we wrote to each other every day - a health problem that immobilized my wife for four months after the birth of our third child, the war which separated us twice in succession - and during this time correspondance wasn't possible, except for two unhappy postcards a month - the bankrupcy of my business, etc. But in our case, the hardships never threatened our unity. On the contrary, they bound us together even more.
Georgette: For us, one of the greatest sources of our unity have been our children. And now our grandchildren and great grandchildren. They also are the objects of our preoccupation and love.
Marcel: After 67 years, our love has evolved, most certainly. What we feel for each other now is different from the enchantment of our first meeting, or the passionate love at the time of our marriage. But even so, it has not diminished. On the contrary, I can say that it has been enriched day after day by all that we have lived, by all the memories we share and by the very profound knowledge that we have of each other.
Georgette: Were we made for one another? I don't know if this expression is very accurate. I believe that we were made one and the other. We evolved together one with the other.
Both of us have the good fortune of still being alive and of not suffering from very serious infirmities. I don't see well, my husband doesn't hear very well, but as a friend told us recently: You are so united that, together, you do not need more than two eyes and two ears!
Georgette: Certainly, this demands a certain forgetting of self that is not always easy. Certain questions may be also sources of conflict. For our part, we know in our marriage that we agree on essential matters: religion, our concept of family, education of children, friends, etc. This being the case, a great number of difficulties are automatically avoided. There remain the little difficulties of daily life that we can always work out if we want to.
In this area, frankness is essential: we must be able to say everything, to declare without delay anything that we might not have in common, to want to look together for the answer that would satisfy both of us. Silence is never a solution.
Marcel: But you may ask me, how, practically, can I make the other happy? This also is very simple. You have to take care of them. Take every occasion to pay attention to the other. And to respect them profoundly, because politeness is a fundamental rule. And if you add a good dose of humour, you have an infallible recipe!
We have known hardships, like everyone else. Not only in our relationship but in the course of life: a separation for professional reasons, during which we wrote to each other every day - a health problem that immobilized my wife for four months after the birth of our third child, the war which separated us twice in succession - and during this time correspondance wasn't possible, except for two unhappy postcards a month - the bankrupcy of my business, etc. But in our case, the hardships never threatened our unity. On the contrary, they bound us together even more.
Georgette: For us, one of the greatest sources of our unity have been our children. And now our grandchildren and great grandchildren. They also are the objects of our preoccupation and love.
Marcel: After 67 years, our love has evolved, most certainly. What we feel for each other now is different from the enchantment of our first meeting, or the passionate love at the time of our marriage. But even so, it has not diminished. On the contrary, I can say that it has been enriched day after day by all that we have lived, by all the memories we share and by the very profound knowledge that we have of each other.
Georgette: Were we made for one another? I don't know if this expression is very accurate. I believe that we were made one and the other. We evolved together one with the other.
Both of us have the good fortune of still being alive and of not suffering from very serious infirmities. I don't see well, my husband doesn't hear very well, but as a friend told us recently: You are so united that, together, you do not need more than two eyes and two ears!
Man. Woman. Living the difference.
T he difference between a man and a woman is a gift of God. It is this difference that allows us to meet, to love and to support each other through life.
Each and every one of our cells, without exception, carries male or female chromosomes. The sex of each one of us, the difference between us, manifests itself throughout our entire being: our body, our feelings, our mind and our spirit. This difference, when added to the individual character of each one of us, causes us each to see things differently, and produces different kinds of reactions in men and in women.
This is why men and women do not always find it easy to maintain straightforward relations. Misunderstandings can arise: for example, a girl will more readily show tenderness towards her male friends, which a boy will often interpret as a sign of love. A boy will generally attach importance to appearances; for a girl, however, dressing in a seductive manner does not always indicate a desire to be provocative. On the other hand, a feeling or a compliment concerning her will rarely leave a woman indifferent. Finally, the very rhythms of a man and that of a woman, who is much more influenced by her own body, are very different and this can lead to misunderstandings.
Getting to know these differences allows each one of us to get to know ourselves better and to discover our own qualities and our own uniqueness. All this, however, has to be learned. Caution, and sometimes even a certain amount of reserve, are needed. Our intentions are sometimes ambiguous or perhaps immature. For instance, a flirtatious manner could be a way of testing whether we are capable of seducing someone just like everyone else.
How can we discover our real motivations? By seeking a real purity of mind. By looking for an appropriate way to dress. By choosing carefully what we read and how we spend our free time, and by developing what is best in ourselves?
It is not always wise to let ourselves be guided by our spontaneous feelings. Self-discipline does not work against friendship, on the contrary, it prepares us for real love.
Each and every one of our cells, without exception, carries male or female chromosomes. The sex of each one of us, the difference between us, manifests itself throughout our entire being: our body, our feelings, our mind and our spirit. This difference, when added to the individual character of each one of us, causes us each to see things differently, and produces different kinds of reactions in men and in women.
This is why men and women do not always find it easy to maintain straightforward relations. Misunderstandings can arise: for example, a girl will more readily show tenderness towards her male friends, which a boy will often interpret as a sign of love. A boy will generally attach importance to appearances; for a girl, however, dressing in a seductive manner does not always indicate a desire to be provocative. On the other hand, a feeling or a compliment concerning her will rarely leave a woman indifferent. Finally, the very rhythms of a man and that of a woman, who is much more influenced by her own body, are very different and this can lead to misunderstandings.
Getting to know these differences allows each one of us to get to know ourselves better and to discover our own qualities and our own uniqueness. All this, however, has to be learned. Caution, and sometimes even a certain amount of reserve, are needed. Our intentions are sometimes ambiguous or perhaps immature. For instance, a flirtatious manner could be a way of testing whether we are capable of seducing someone just like everyone else.
How can we discover our real motivations? By seeking a real purity of mind. By looking for an appropriate way to dress. By choosing carefully what we read and how we spend our free time, and by developing what is best in ourselves?
It is not always wise to let ourselves be guided by our spontaneous feelings. Self-discipline does not work against friendship, on the contrary, it prepares us for real love.
Going out with someone. Where are the limits?
is a wonderful experience to be attracted to someone. The mere sight of him or her makes us feel, all at once, tenderness of heart and a strong physical attraction. The pleasure we discover in just being close to the other makes us
want to live things all the more intensely and to go even further in the
relationship.
Even holding hands or kissing is a big step. Gestures of tenderness and love commit us to one another. No such gesture is without meaning, regardless of the feelings behind it. This is why it is important to take the time to consider if these gestures have the same meaning for both of us. Are they motivated by love or by the desire for pleasure, or by a need for tenderness? These tender actions commit us to one another more than we think.
Once a couple in a committed relationship have experienced all the
various expressions of love, can they still clearly make out the true
nature of their feelings?
Paying attention to the reactions and feelings of the other person allows us to be more tender. In addition, we need to exercise a certain degree of patience. Many marriages fail because the husband and wife did not take the time to get to know each other. To choose one another in complete freedom, one needs to know who that person really is.
Temptations often arise, especially in a long-standing relationship, which becomes increasingly more intimate. What is it that really takes hold of us in these circumstances? Is it the desire to express our affections? Is it our longing for the other, or is it a profound love? If we are truly attracted to each other, and we feel true love, isn't the time right to consider marriage?
In a society where advertising slogans are full of words like
instantly, immediately and where everyone wants to have everything, at
once, remember that it takes time to build the relationship between
husband and wife and that the test of love is in the enduring
commitment.
Is happiness only for married couples?
M arriage is not the only context in which we can fulfill our capacity to love. Friendship and the giving of 'self' are also precious expressions of love.
There are men and women who decide not to marry, not because they scorn or reject it but simply because they feel an exclusive call. For example, priests, monks and nuns witness to the world that the love of God is above all other loves and that it is enough for them. There are also men and women in science, in politics and in other kinds of service who give themselves totally to their calling and who find happiness in the gift of themselves to this calling. Their fidelity to an ideal gives them deep personal satisfaction.
To forsake marriage for the Lord is a calling. Those who answer such a call live their lives just as fully and in complete happiness.
Certain people, however, who would have liked to get married, remain single. This is a hardship. Nevertheless, for every person there is a road to happiness. It may take some time to find it, but it exists. Often, the road is to be found in a generous heart and in openness towards others
There are men and women who decide not to marry, not because they scorn or reject it but simply because they feel an exclusive call. For example, priests, monks and nuns witness to the world that the love of God is above all other loves and that it is enough for them. There are also men and women in science, in politics and in other kinds of service who give themselves totally to their calling and who find happiness in the gift of themselves to this calling. Their fidelity to an ideal gives them deep personal satisfaction.
To forsake marriage for the Lord is a calling. Those who answer such a call live their lives just as fully and in complete happiness.
Certain people, however, who would have liked to get married, remain single. This is a hardship. Nevertheless, for every person there is a road to happiness. It may take some time to find it, but it exists. Often, the road is to be found in a generous heart and in openness towards others
Two people of the same sex love each other.
Is it legitimate?
is important to differentiate between friendship and feelings of love. Obviously, friendship may exist between two boys or two girls. A true friend is a precious gift.
We speak of homosexuality when there is a feeling of love accompanied by sexual desire between two persons of the same sex. Our aim here is not to study why and how this can happen but simply to underline a few points:
We live in a world that erases differences. Some pretend that (sexual) union between two people of the same sex is good and that homosexuality is simply an alternative to heterosexuality (sexual relations between a man and a woman). That is not true. The truth is that God created man and woman differently so that they can give themselves to each other with their own differences, including the differences of sex which allow life to come into being from that union. Whatever our situation, it is important to recognize the truth, to follow it and to have the courage to live chastely. Chastity is the virtue that regulates human love. (1)
Outside the homosexual pressure groups which try to find ways to justify and to give recognition to a homosexual culture and way of life, homosexuality is generally a situation that people do not choose. They experience it as a form of suffering. Shame and humiliation are often mingled with worry (Am I abnormal? What kind of future do I have? ...). They feel guilty, different from others and cut off from life. The constant worry causes instability. And they end up thinking that there is no cure, no future and no hope for them.
Let us be careful not to confuse different situations: an active homosexuality, is entirely different from the fleeting inclination at the time of adolescence, springing from a lack of emotional maturity, a lack of an adult role model and from the self-centred attitude very common at that age. Sometimes, this tendency goes away even if it leaves some wounds in the memory. If it does not, the struggle for chastity will be more difficult.
In some people there is a permanent homosexual tendancy (which means a predominant or exclusive attraction to someone of the same sex) that seems to come from way back and is deeply rooted in the person. This can remain at the stage of inclination, even a strong one, but without any consequences. It is the transition to an active homosexuality that is the turning point because we then enter into a vicious circle of guilt on the one hand, and complicity on the other.
We are not responsible for our feelings or for our instincts, we are responsible for our actions. We do not have to feel guilty for our bad inclinations; it is acting on those inclinations that brings on real guilt. When the act is wrong in itself, it would be dishonest to pretend otherwise, but this does not mean that the person who commits it is bad. Who can judge his brothers and sisters?
There is always hope because we are free. We may have a serious difficulty, but we do not have to identify ourselves with it. My innermost being cannot be reduced to a tendency or even a habit. I am not the inclination that inhabits me.
In every human being, the capacity to love, to give of oneself is much greater than all the tendencies and the hindrances. Even when I despair of being set apart from others or when I pretend that everything is normal, God continues to call me to go forward. He invites me to get up so that I can get out of the situation that I'm in.
However, it is often difficult to respond to Him either because of erroneous thinking on my part, because I do not like myself, or because I am afraid of change and of peer-pressure. So I end up under-estimating my capacity to resist as if I had already lost the battle. But God's power cannot be defeated, even by the obstacles in my own life.
We speak of homosexuality when there is a feeling of love accompanied by sexual desire between two persons of the same sex. Our aim here is not to study why and how this can happen but simply to underline a few points:
We live in a world that erases differences. Some pretend that (sexual) union between two people of the same sex is good and that homosexuality is simply an alternative to heterosexuality (sexual relations between a man and a woman). That is not true. The truth is that God created man and woman differently so that they can give themselves to each other with their own differences, including the differences of sex which allow life to come into being from that union. Whatever our situation, it is important to recognize the truth, to follow it and to have the courage to live chastely. Chastity is the virtue that regulates human love. (1)
Outside the homosexual pressure groups which try to find ways to justify and to give recognition to a homosexual culture and way of life, homosexuality is generally a situation that people do not choose. They experience it as a form of suffering. Shame and humiliation are often mingled with worry (Am I abnormal? What kind of future do I have? ...). They feel guilty, different from others and cut off from life. The constant worry causes instability. And they end up thinking that there is no cure, no future and no hope for them.
Let us be careful not to confuse different situations: an active homosexuality, is entirely different from the fleeting inclination at the time of adolescence, springing from a lack of emotional maturity, a lack of an adult role model and from the self-centred attitude very common at that age. Sometimes, this tendency goes away even if it leaves some wounds in the memory. If it does not, the struggle for chastity will be more difficult.
In some people there is a permanent homosexual tendancy (which means a predominant or exclusive attraction to someone of the same sex) that seems to come from way back and is deeply rooted in the person. This can remain at the stage of inclination, even a strong one, but without any consequences. It is the transition to an active homosexuality that is the turning point because we then enter into a vicious circle of guilt on the one hand, and complicity on the other.
We are not responsible for our feelings or for our instincts, we are responsible for our actions. We do not have to feel guilty for our bad inclinations; it is acting on those inclinations that brings on real guilt. When the act is wrong in itself, it would be dishonest to pretend otherwise, but this does not mean that the person who commits it is bad. Who can judge his brothers and sisters?
There is always hope because we are free. We may have a serious difficulty, but we do not have to identify ourselves with it. My innermost being cannot be reduced to a tendency or even a habit. I am not the inclination that inhabits me.
In every human being, the capacity to love, to give of oneself is much greater than all the tendencies and the hindrances. Even when I despair of being set apart from others or when I pretend that everything is normal, God continues to call me to go forward. He invites me to get up so that I can get out of the situation that I'm in.
However, it is often difficult to respond to Him either because of erroneous thinking on my part, because I do not like myself, or because I am afraid of change and of peer-pressure. So I end up under-estimating my capacity to resist as if I had already lost the battle. But God's power cannot be defeated, even by the obstacles in my own life.
Is happiness possible with a man or a woman
who is not free?
is said that you cannot force love. So, what if I am attracted to someone who is not free to become involved in another relationship? Is happiness not more important than social rules?
In such a case, it would be better not to let the attraction turn into passion. Love is not something which is imposed on me by fate. There is always a moment when I can choose.
Do you really believe that someone who is already committed in a
marriage relationship (1) and who tries to seduce you can truly fulfill
his promises of love toward you?
As
for myself, do I have the right to break up a marriage and a family and
to make the judgment that they were unhappy together? Considering the suffering that this situation will bring to the
children, at what price will I build this new relationship and (if there
are children) what kind of life will I be able to give to them?
There will always be a great deal of suffering when one gets involved in a relationship with someone who is not unattached. And a great deal of effort will often be necessary to justify to
others - and to yourself - a situation that was not right from the
beginning.
Our human heart longs for more than a happiness in which the future is already compromised.
(1)
The Sacrament of Matrimony is a life-time committment which often
involves hard work in choosing to remain faithful to our spouse. The
graces given to us in this sacrament can strengthen us to live through
these difficult times rather than to seek other, easier relationships
outside our marriage situation
Is there one person out there made just for me?
I t's a dream and a worry at the same time ... Is the person I met really made for me? Does the one that I am dreaming of really exist and if so, how will I know?
These questions are nearly inevitable: the more we get to know the other, the more we discover his or her qualities as well as his or her faults. We also become aware that the committment we will make is total and definite. What if I were wrong? What if it were not him or her? And what if we were blinded by our passions and once we were married, we realized that we had made a mistake?
Sometimes the imagination tends to create an ideal image of the other: He or she has to be just like that, look like this, act like that and definitely not have that fault! Often, instead of accepting and getting to know the other for what he or she is, we try to find in him or her the ideal image that we have created in our minds.
To be sure that we are made for one another requires that we take time together to get to know each other well. We need to share in depth and to accept that the other is different from myself. It is also good to discuss certain questions together: Will we be able to love each other for all our life? Will we be able to face together the troubles of life? Do we love each other enough to put up with each other's faults? Recognizing these concerns will enable us to make a choice in total freedom: Yes, it is with her or with him that I want to live for the rest of my life, to have children and to raise a family. Then the choice to make a total and definite committment will be made in total trust and with hope.
It is also important to feel free to stop a relationship because we realize that after all, we are not made for each other, that we will not be able to overcome the differences in our temperaments, in our cultures or in our age, or else we are not able to accept the limitations of the other, etc. That choice needs to be made without being distracted by ideas like: I desperately want to get married and to have children, everything will work out once we're married or, my parents really like him. We must also be careful not to let ourselves be pressured by society or family, not to idealize the other, or be physically or emotionally dependent upon each other. This can happen without us noticing it.
In fact, this decision is a committment of our whole life, as well as the other's and the children's to come. This is why we can say that marriage is not only the starting point of a life together but also the finishing point of a long road lived and shared together on which we recognized that we were made for one another
These questions are nearly inevitable: the more we get to know the other, the more we discover his or her qualities as well as his or her faults. We also become aware that the committment we will make is total and definite. What if I were wrong? What if it were not him or her? And what if we were blinded by our passions and once we were married, we realized that we had made a mistake?
Sometimes the imagination tends to create an ideal image of the other: He or she has to be just like that, look like this, act like that and definitely not have that fault! Often, instead of accepting and getting to know the other for what he or she is, we try to find in him or her the ideal image that we have created in our minds.
To be sure that we are made for one another requires that we take time together to get to know each other well. We need to share in depth and to accept that the other is different from myself. It is also good to discuss certain questions together: Will we be able to love each other for all our life? Will we be able to face together the troubles of life? Do we love each other enough to put up with each other's faults? Recognizing these concerns will enable us to make a choice in total freedom: Yes, it is with her or with him that I want to live for the rest of my life, to have children and to raise a family. Then the choice to make a total and definite committment will be made in total trust and with hope.
It is also important to feel free to stop a relationship because we realize that after all, we are not made for each other, that we will not be able to overcome the differences in our temperaments, in our cultures or in our age, or else we are not able to accept the limitations of the other, etc. That choice needs to be made without being distracted by ideas like: I desperately want to get married and to have children, everything will work out once we're married or, my parents really like him. We must also be careful not to let ourselves be pressured by society or family, not to idealize the other, or be physically or emotionally dependent upon each other. This can happen without us noticing it.
In fact, this decision is a committment of our whole life, as well as the other's and the children's to come. This is why we can say that marriage is not only the starting point of a life together but also the finishing point of a long road lived and shared together on which we recognized that we were made for one another
When does human life begin?
H
uman life begins at the precise moment when the two half-cells, the
sperm of the man and the ovum of the woman, meet and form the first cell
of a unique being who will never be duplicated in the history of the
world. The different stages that bring about this extraordinary moment are as follows:
For the man, the pituitary gland, controlled by the brain, will begin to signal at puberty the command to manufacture 100 million sperm daily. During any act of sexual intercourse, there will be between 200 and 300 million sperm ejaculated into the body of the woman in the vagina, near the cervix. Sperm can enter the uterus if, at a precise time in the woman's cycle, the cervix is open and secreting a particular liquid, cervical mucus, which enables the sperm to swim to the ovum.
For the woman, during each of her cycles, an ovum (egg) is prepared in a follicle, as commanded by the pituitary gland. When the egg is mature, the follicle opens and releases it whereby it moves down the Fallopian tube towards the uterus. It is in position to unite with a sperm.
The first instant of life occurs at the the union of the egg and the sperm. There is not the least interruption between this moment of conception and what each one of us is today. This is why any harm of an embryo, irregardless of the maturity, is harming a human being. It is immaterial whether the brain is developed or not from the first moments (the first brain cells develop at the fourth week of pregnancy): the tiny being contains all the potential elements for his existence and development. The life of an unique human being has already begun
For the man, the pituitary gland, controlled by the brain, will begin to signal at puberty the command to manufacture 100 million sperm daily. During any act of sexual intercourse, there will be between 200 and 300 million sperm ejaculated into the body of the woman in the vagina, near the cervix. Sperm can enter the uterus if, at a precise time in the woman's cycle, the cervix is open and secreting a particular liquid, cervical mucus, which enables the sperm to swim to the ovum.
For the woman, during each of her cycles, an ovum (egg) is prepared in a follicle, as commanded by the pituitary gland. When the egg is mature, the follicle opens and releases it whereby it moves down the Fallopian tube towards the uterus. It is in position to unite with a sperm.
The first instant of life occurs at the the union of the egg and the sperm. There is not the least interruption between this moment of conception and what each one of us is today. This is why any harm of an embryo, irregardless of the maturity, is harming a human being. It is immaterial whether the brain is developed or not from the first moments (the first brain cells develop at the fourth week of pregnancy): the tiny being contains all the potential elements for his existence and development. The life of an unique human being has already begun
What are the Natural Methods of Birth Control?
T hey are a group of methods based on observations of the feminine menstrual cycle. During a normal cycle, a woman is fertile only for a certain number of days. Her body, in preparing to conceive a new life, sends out signals that can be observed:
the rise in basal body temperature by a few tenths of a degree after ovulation.
the presence of a substance called cervical mucus (see Q. 24) at the vulva (which is observed and noted).
These signs allow the woman to chart the fertile and infertile phases of her cycle. If the couple wishes to conceive a child, they will try to do so during the fertile period. If the couple does not wish to conceive, they would have sexual relations only during the infertile phases.
This method brings a couple to different "moments of love": times of physical union and times when their love is expressed differently. The great majority of couples using NFP have acknowledged that it leads to self-control, more dialogue and mutual comprehension. Respecting each other's capacity of giving life, on the part of the woman and the man, leads to a greater and more profound love. The desire, instead of becoming dull, is renewed.
When the methods are used correctly, their reliability is excellent. Of course, we need to be faithful in charting the signs as they are observed and the husband needs to be supportive - his role in the use of the method is indispensible. Isn't it extraordinary and so much more healthy to understand what is happening in our body and to live in rhythm with it?
the rise in basal body temperature by a few tenths of a degree after ovulation.
the presence of a substance called cervical mucus (see Q. 24) at the vulva (which is observed and noted).
These signs allow the woman to chart the fertile and infertile phases of her cycle. If the couple wishes to conceive a child, they will try to do so during the fertile period. If the couple does not wish to conceive, they would have sexual relations only during the infertile phases.
This method brings a couple to different "moments of love": times of physical union and times when their love is expressed differently. The great majority of couples using NFP have acknowledged that it leads to self-control, more dialogue and mutual comprehension. Respecting each other's capacity of giving life, on the part of the woman and the man, leads to a greater and more profound love. The desire, instead of becoming dull, is renewed.
When the methods are used correctly, their reliability is excellent. Of course, we need to be faithful in charting the signs as they are observed and the husband needs to be supportive - his role in the use of the method is indispensible. Isn't it extraordinary and so much more healthy to understand what is happening in our body and to live in rhythm with it?
If euthanasia is not acceptable, what kind of solution do we offer to alleviate the sufferings of people with incurable diseases
B
etween euthanasia and extensive therapy, there is a third way the
principles of which were defined forty years ago in England: this is
referred to as palliative care. [1]
This term encompasses various initiatives to increase not the "quantity" of life of the patient - since we are here talking about persons in the terminal phase - but the "quality" of their lives.First of all, it requires doing anything one can to relieve the physical pain. Thanks to specific medication (sedatives), this is possible in 95% of the cases.
It also means that the care of the patient must be regular: the washing of the patient must be done rigorously, to prevent bed sores (as they occur if a patient remains too long in their bed) waterbeds or air mattresses should be used; there should be water pulverizations of the mouth as it tends to become parched in many terminal cases; the use of a complementary source of oxygen should be made possible, and so forth.
But in addition to this physical aspect, palliative care includes all kinds of efforts to accompany the patient in order to spare him too great a moral distress as death draws closer. One must help the relatives and close friends to stay with the person if they so desire: a delicate task where attentiveness and availability are essential. Often it is volunteers, trained and backed by a psychologist, who can make themselves available to the patient and their family. Numerous examples show that, in these emotional moments, communication can be difficult: the presence of a third party might provide an emotional outlet for the patient who might not want to involve his family. Or, they might help the relatives take a break from their duties which can be exhausting.
A volunteer told us he had accompanied an elderly man who fell one day into a semi-comatose state. He went to the patient's bedside with the man's wife. Unaware whether he was conscious or not, the woman wanted to tell her husband, as the last proof of her love for him, what would become of her when he is gone: she would go back home and tend to their grandchildren and so on. The presence of a third party allowed her to keep talking which would not have been possible had she found herself alone with her unconscious husband.
In all cases, the patient who wishes to be informed about the physician's diagnosis should be told the truth: the person has the right to know where he or she stands. It should be noted that most people who have requested some kind of euthanasia before the palliative care is given have second thoughts about it once their moral or physical distress has been reduced.
The over-riding principle is to help the patient live their last days without unnecessary interference and to approach death as peacefully as possible. For the Christian, this escorting (accompaniment) can be a true preparation, with serenity and abandonment, to put one's life into God's hands and, in the end, to consider death as the last conscious act of one's life
This term encompasses various initiatives to increase not the "quantity" of life of the patient - since we are here talking about persons in the terminal phase - but the "quality" of their lives.First of all, it requires doing anything one can to relieve the physical pain. Thanks to specific medication (sedatives), this is possible in 95% of the cases.
It also means that the care of the patient must be regular: the washing of the patient must be done rigorously, to prevent bed sores (as they occur if a patient remains too long in their bed) waterbeds or air mattresses should be used; there should be water pulverizations of the mouth as it tends to become parched in many terminal cases; the use of a complementary source of oxygen should be made possible, and so forth.
But in addition to this physical aspect, palliative care includes all kinds of efforts to accompany the patient in order to spare him too great a moral distress as death draws closer. One must help the relatives and close friends to stay with the person if they so desire: a delicate task where attentiveness and availability are essential. Often it is volunteers, trained and backed by a psychologist, who can make themselves available to the patient and their family. Numerous examples show that, in these emotional moments, communication can be difficult: the presence of a third party might provide an emotional outlet for the patient who might not want to involve his family. Or, they might help the relatives take a break from their duties which can be exhausting.
A volunteer told us he had accompanied an elderly man who fell one day into a semi-comatose state. He went to the patient's bedside with the man's wife. Unaware whether he was conscious or not, the woman wanted to tell her husband, as the last proof of her love for him, what would become of her when he is gone: she would go back home and tend to their grandchildren and so on. The presence of a third party allowed her to keep talking which would not have been possible had she found herself alone with her unconscious husband.
In all cases, the patient who wishes to be informed about the physician's diagnosis should be told the truth: the person has the right to know where he or she stands. It should be noted that most people who have requested some kind of euthanasia before the palliative care is given have second thoughts about it once their moral or physical distress has been reduced.
The over-riding principle is to help the patient live their last days without unnecessary interference and to approach death as peacefully as possible. For the Christian, this escorting (accompaniment) can be a true preparation, with serenity and abandonment, to put one's life into God's hands and, in the end, to consider death as the last conscious act of one's life
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